Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
