She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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