i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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