to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
