What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
