Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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