He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
What drink are we having for lunch?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize