if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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