Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She told me I should be a condom model.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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