plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
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