you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
