i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
