i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
