she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
