I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
