apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
