At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
