I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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