Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
