I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
