the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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