Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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