The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
