I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
