So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Someone signed my nipple.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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