im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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