Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
