You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
whose parrot is this?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
