So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
