I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
