I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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