Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
