He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
