I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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