Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
