He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
