Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
