dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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