wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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