I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
