You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
