I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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