Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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