you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Randomize
