So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
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