I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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