Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
