Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
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