Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
