you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
