If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
