I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
