...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
