Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Randomize
