apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
