There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Randomize
