Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
How external is "for external use only"?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
