I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
