oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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