I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
